I’m not good at asking for help. From a young age and throughout my adult life, I’ve felt that I need to be strong, whole and take care of myself and those around me without relying on others. There are many reasons for this, none of which I’ll be going into today. But as a result, I saw myself as my own sole responsibility. Asking for help felt weak. I should be able to provide for myself, I thought. I should find emotional support in my inner strength, I thought. I should not burden others with what I should take care of, I thought.
That thinking has been a blessing a curse. A blessing because I do feel like I can weather any storm and I’ll survive whatever life throws at me, because I know I’m capable of it. But it’s also a curse because it’s a lot of burden to put on oneself. And you can lose a lot when you don’t let people in.
I’ve come to realize that most people WANT to help. And sometimes letting a person provide support gives them a sense of comfort in doing good and being needed. Would I ever turn away a friend or family member who came to me for help? Absolutely not! So why is that okay for others and not myself?
Of course, nothing is that simple or easy. I’ve become better at it over time. And having caring friends and family certainly helps. But it still feels unnatural to me. I still feel the need to apologize for my vulnerability. But it’s a process, and one I’m learning. I certainly don’t plan to give up my independence. But dependence, every so often, is comforting too.